#did i transcribe this by ear while experiencing insomnia and anxiety last night

[buskingalbatross]

presenting my personal favorite five minutes of dan and phil live on stereo.

featuring heartthrob boys cannibalism the short story by daniel howell, and a truly fascinating discussion of the merits of a restaurant first date. [bubblewrap boys - full stereo live on youtube]

🎷🐟transcript below 🐟🎷

P: Dan, you are the winner of Heartthrob!

D: Yes!

P: Because I got one wrong.

D: With my winnings, and my knowledge of who's gonna date who and everything, I am gonna choose to free the boys from the pipe! Be freeee –

P: [laughing] Yeah! Yeeee, yeee –

D: Run, Jim, run! Neil! Frankie, you're the fastest you've gone to the gym. Phil doesn't run –

P: [laughing]

D: – he won't catch you! Oh my god, wait, Jim's cycling away, he's gonna make it – oh no! He fell off! Jim fell off the bike!!!! He broke his leg. Phil's coming –

P: Oh my god.

D: – oh my god, Phil is crawling up the stairs on all fours backwards with his head tilted back –

P: [laughing]

D: No, Jim!! No, he's [noises of cannibalism occurring] oh my god: he ate him whole. They're dead. They're all dead.

P: [laughing]

D: Apart from, um, Russ.

P: Wow.

D: With his saxophone.

P: He just uses the saxophone to suck in all the body parts that are left all over the floor.

...That was crazy, uhm, thanks for that Dan. Do you know what, I think like you said –

D: That was canon, by the way. What?

P: That was canon, that just happened. Going on a date with someone to a restaurant as a first date is a very good way of judging what kind of person they are. Cause there's lots of things –

D: [moan of realization that Phil is right] Yes!

P: First of all,

D: [continuing to have a realization that Phil is right] Augh!

P: –what food do they eat, how do they talk to the waiter, do they offer to split the bill or are they awkward about that or is it weird? And –

D: [continues to make noises of realization that Phil is so right] Oh my god you're so right.

P: Yeah, there's loads of things you can look for.

D: Oh my god, I never thought about that. It's like a final test!

P: It is!

D: God, there's so many social dynamics in a restaurant date, jesus.

P: Yeah, there are.

D: Wow, you really get to know someone, I mean, judging the food that they order, is huge. I mean that is a pretty instant, like, is this person a two-time thing or a twenty-year thing? Instantly.

P: Yeah.

D: Like, firstly, are they gonna be like: 'Are we getting a starter?' Like, if you're not getting a starter, get out. That, that's it for me, firstly.

P: You need the starter.

D: If you're just here to order like a lean mean main and then get out, then you don't enjoy life. I'm not interested in that. What do you order, how nice are you, how confident are you, what are your choices? Are you good at making small talk? I say all of this knowing that I'm terrible at all of those things, because I'm incredibly awkward and indecisive. But it would be nice to watch someone not do everything that I am bad at.

P: For sure. I went to dinner with someone – it wasn't a date it was more just like a dinner? They weren't a friend either, it was just a person I went to dinner with. Anyway.

D: [laughing] What the fuck?! W-Why did you go to dinner with this person?

P: I'm not gonna give too many information, details..

D: Okay, okay.

P: Because I'm about to shade them slightly.

D: Spill it, Lester.

P: Right.

D: I bet they're listening.

P: They're not.

D: I will out them. No okay here we go.

P: No, you can't.

D: Do I know this? Okay, we'll see.

P: They are 100% not listening.

D: We'll see. I'll tag them. [laughing]

P: No... [trying to start telling the story] I ordered my...

D: [laughing]

P: Dan! Stop making me laugh.

D: [laughing] God.

P: Listen.

[small pause]

D: [laughing] Listen?!

P: [laughing]

[both sighing]

D: [laughing] Go on.

P: I ordered my food at the restaurant, with this guy, and –

D: No shit, yeah, what else do you do at a restaurant.

P: And he was like 'No, you should totally order the sea bass, because it's amazing and you should really get the sea bass.'

D: 'mmkay..

P: And I was like 'No, I don't really fancy the sea bass, I think I'm gonna get this other thing.' So I ordered it.

D: Yeah. Fair play.

P: Fair play. I don't remember what it was. Anyway, I went to the toilet, I came back and they were delivering the food. And the guy had gone to the waiter and changed my order to the sea bass.

D: What the fuck.

P: Yeah. And it's just like –

D: Are you joking?

P: No. [sounds of pen clicking?] And it was really weird. It was like, why would you do that? He said, 'Oh it's just so nice, and I got it for two so you could try it.'

D: [horrified] Noooo.

P: But in my head I was just like, that is like twenty-seven weird flags of a person. I'm not even trying to date this person.

D: That is – That is the patriarchy right there. That is everything –wow. Yes.

P: It was really weird. Anyway, yeah that's why I was thinking it's a good thing for a first date, because you can pick up on lots of potentially weird stuff.

D: Oh my god, Phil, who was this person?

P: I'm not saying who it was.

D: Text it to me. Text me the name and I'll react.

P: I might have even –

D: I won't expose you. Text me the name. Text me the name right now.

P: No, oh my god. I might have even changed the word 'sea bass' to a different food because I didn't want you to say who it was. Um...

D: I promise I won't expose you, probably.

P: Oh my god.

D: [evil hehehe-ing]

[text message whoosh]

D: oOOOOOHH. Yeah. Okay. Yeah that guy was good.

P: You remember it! I told you about that.

D: [laughing] Anyway. Wow.

P: Anyway. [laughing]

D: PSYCHOPATH. WHAT. OH MY GOD. NEVER DO THAT. Anyway.

P: Stop, Dan.

D: Okay, fine.